Memories
by Just-call-me-Joe
Summary: 40 years on how does Neil cope with loss? NeilTodd Slash.
1. Lonely in the city

**Memories**

Author's Notes: This is my first DPS fic. Any feedback very welcome. It's a slightly different spin on things so see what you think. It is slash. You have been warned!

Neil Perry had lived in New York the past 40 years, since he was 18, but until now it had never felt lonely to him. He'd always enjoyed the bustle and noise of city life but now as he pulled his coat tighter around him to ward off the crisp November air and walked slowly along Broadway he hardly noticed the sounds of the people and the traffic. Suddenly at 58 he felt old and spent. He didn't know who he was or where he was going. He just knew he wasn't in a hurry to get there.

When he eventually pushed open the door to Barnes and Noble at Broadway and 82nd Street and looked at the people there he was overcome by a sense of familiarity. A crowd of people seemed to descend on him. They grabbed at his coat and shoved a glass of wine into his hand all the time cocking their heads to one side and enquiring in understanding tones _"Are you ok?"_ All these people were his friends but right now he couldn't bear to be around them.

Then out of the corner of his eye he saw the person who he really wanted to see. Standing quietly in the corner had never really been Charlie Dalton's style but just for tonight he was determined not to take the limelight. Neil finally extricated himself from the crowd of concerned well wishers and made his way over to Charlie. The two stood and smiled for a minute then embraced each other in a heartfelt hug.

"How are you?" Charlie enquired after finally releasing Neil

"Fine" Neil replied looking down at the floor

"Really?"

Neil gave a crooked half smile. The men had been friends since prep school. It took a lot to pull one over on Charlie.

"Some days I'm ok I can function semi-normally but other days I wake up still expecting to see Todd lying there beside me or in the kitchen standing there drinking coffee and reading the Times in his boxers." Neil paused as he tried to swallow the lump that was forming in his throat. "Then the days just seem unbearable."

"God, I'm so sorry I haven't been there Neil, there's just been so much going on." Charlie knew it wasn't a good enough excuse but he just didn't know what to say Neil now.

"So how are things with you at the moment?" Neil asked trying to change the subject.

"Oh, just great" Charlie replied but Neil arched an eye brow in response. He could read Charlie as well as Charlie could read him.

"Not so great" he conceded. "The divorce came through a couple of weeks ago. I had lunch with Caitlin last week but she's siding with her mom and is still pretty sore about everything."

Now it was Neil's turn to feel guilty. "Well I guess neither of us have been as good friends as we could have been in the last couple of months." He conceded.

"So how much have you seen of the others?" Charlie asked, trying to lift the mood a little.

"Pitts and his wife Debbie stayed for a week after the funeral but they had to go back to California. They tried to make it tonight but Pitts just couldn't get the time off."

Charlie smiled "I tell him he works too hard but he won't listen. I saw Meeks yesterday. He was out there last week and says Pitts is working himself into an early grave." He tailed off, realising what he had said, as Neil stared into his glass. "He should be here tonight but I don't know about Knox and Chris."

"Oh, they said they would." Neil replied, brightening at the mention of his other best friend. "I was at the christening of their first grandchild last weekend. Now that made me feel old! I remember when Knox was trying to get up the courage just to call her."

They both laughed then were silent for a minute, thinking back on everything that had passed since then.

Suddenly the large crowd was hushed as a man came to the microphone that had been set up in the middle of the room.

"Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen and thank you for coming here on this chilly evening. As you know we are here tonight to remember Todd Anderson, a great poet and a great man and to officially launch this new compendium of his greatest works."

Neil watched from the side. He couldn't even remember who this man was. Was he a random editor? Someone who worked for the publishers? He looked around the room at the sea of faces. He knew of most of them but didn't know why they were there. They didn't really know Todd, not the way he did. No one knew Todd the way he did.

"...And now to talk about his own memories of Todd I'd like to ask his best friend and partner Neil Perry to say a few words."

Neil was snapped back to the present by the applause as he made his way to the microphone. As he stepped up onto the small platform he looked around the room and suddenly he saw them all. Charlie had been joined in the corner by Knox and Chris and Meeks and his wife. All now older and greyer than they had been but Neil's eyes still the same wonderful people they always were. And suddenly there beside them was Mr Keating telling him to Carpé Diem and there on the other side was Todd, simply smiling at him.

And that was all he needed to begin.

"Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen." He paused "I thought a long time about what I was going to talk about this evening. I was going to tell about Todd's life but then I though 'Hell they've all read the obituaries' so decided instead to talk about who he was. Not what he did but who he was. But here I'm stuck again because Todd was indescribable. He was the only person I ever knew who could write emotions. He could make you cry with both happiness and sadness in the same stanza. Critics said that he was remarkable and he was. I'm going to finish however not with something written by him but by reading the inscription by Henry David Thoreau at the beginning of this new compendium.

_I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately,_

_I wanted to live deep and suck the marrow out of life,_

_To put to rout all that was not life_

_And not, when I had come to die, to discover that I had not lived._

This is what both Todd and I lived by. Todd loved life. He celebrated it through his poetry and lived every moment to the full. Even when he knew he was dying all he wanted to do was to cling onto life for all it was worth. I was privileged to spend my life with him and all we can now do is to keep his memory alive through us."

Applause rang around the room and Neil, ever the consummate professional actor drank them stood and took them but inside his heart was breaking all over again and as tears welled up in the corners of his eyes he turned and exited stage right.

Read on for part 2...


	2. Home at last

**Memories** – part 2

Authors notes: See part 1

* * *

It was a little past midnight when Neil finally pushed open the door to his large apartment. It was a beautiful old place on the upper west side close to the Cloisters as that had been Todd's favourite place in New York to gain inspiration for his poetry.

It was the fourth place that they'd lived in together and Todd had always joked that you could tell how successful a person was by their moves up the property ladder. After graduating college when they were still both struggling they'd lived in a tiny studio in the east village. When Todd published his first book of poetry they moved to a one bedroom place on the lower west side then when Neil got his first part on Broadway they bought a place in Chelsea. Finally when Todd's fifth book came out and Neil got a main part in a long-running show they'd bought this two bedroom place on the upper West Side.

Their favourite place however was Neil's parent's house in New England which Neil had been left by his mother. After he'd abandoned Harvard and gone to Julliard his father had cut him off but when his father had died a few years later his mother had made an effort to get back in touch with him. Although his mother had also died a number of years previously he'd kept the house and he and Todd would spend as many weekends as they could there.

As Neil chucked his keys in the dish by the door and let his coat drop by the door he surveyed the apartment. Todd had been meticulously neat and tidy but Neil was the exact opposite and without Todd's good influence he'd let it go. Half-read books and scripts lay haphazardly around the living room and the coffee table had disappeared under old copies of the New York Times which he kept forgetting to throw out. The Kitchen wasn't much better with unwashed mugs and plates piled high in the sink.

He carefully picked his way through the mess to the kettle and switched it on then inspected the mugs to find one which wasn't too dirty and put the last remaining tea bag in it.

As he made his way back towards to his bedroom he noticed the closed door that had been closed for the two months since Todd's death. It was the door to Todd's study but he didn't dare open it. It was Todd's sanctuary and he couldn't imagine going in there without him but after tonight he needed to be reminded. He'd spent the whole evening listening to people talk about Todd and read his poetry but suddenly he felt like he didn't remember him anymore.

He put his tea down and, taking a deep breath, opened the door.

Suddenly it was like he was in a new world.

It was a lovely room. It was intended to be a second bedroom but they'd converted it into a study shortly after moving in. Although it was Todd's study he had always spent time in here with Todd. Whether he was charging in to yell some good news, sharing excitement with Todd or simply irritating Todd to relieve boredom he'd always felt at home in this room but now to look around it and remember all the good times it made him ache.

It was painted dark green but you could hardly tell as the walls were lined with books. There were hundreds of them. Old ones and new ones; beautiful leather bound ones and ratty old paper backs; famous classics and trashy modern novels. Reading had been Todd's favourite hobby and he'd hoarded everything. The bits of the wall that weren't covered with book shelves were covered with frames. There were some newspaper reviews of his books and some posters from a few shows that Neil had been in but mostly there were photographs which traced them all right from Welton almost to the present day. The rest of the room was taken up by a squashy old sofa bed which was the first thing that they had bought for their first apartment and a huge old desk with a chair behind it.

Neil walked slowly around the desk and sat down. As he did so he was reminded of the painful night 40 years ago when he'd tried to take his own life. He'd sat in his father's study and taken an overdose of whatever he could find lying around the house. Luckily he'd been found and saved but his life had never been the same. The road back had been arduous and without his friends he knew he would never have made it. He remembered his first night back at school. Todd had broken down and admitted he didn't know what he would have done if Neil had gone away and Neil had promised him he never would again.

As he sat there he noticed a book in the middle of the desk. It was Todd's last book of original poetry which was called "Seize the Day". He opened the front of it and read the inscription.

"For Mr. Keating who taught me to seize everyday and for Neil - to me you are everything and without you there would be nothing."

As he read it he wept. He wept until there was nothing left inside him. Since Todd's death he'd felt numb but now suddenly he was released. As he got up and picked up the book he noticed something sticking out of it, obviously being used as a bookmark. He pulled it out. It was a picture of him and Todd which Charlie had taken when they'd graduated Welton. They had their arms around each other and they looked so young and carefree.

Neil folded it and put it in the breast pocket of his shirt. It would always stay there and Todd would always stay next to his heart.

* * *

Finished! Any feedback would be most welcome. 


End file.
